and it starts.

someone should really congratulate him. my knuckle-white grip on emotional control is slowly loosening itself. for the most part, it's been freaking me out (much to michele's amusement). She says i shouldn't fight it, i should just retreat into the role of being a significant other. Slowly, i am, but it's taking a WHOLE LOT of getting used to. I dont know what happened to me over the years, but i somehow correlated the words girlfriend/boyfriend with the word schmuck. eew. I was one of "those people" a couple times in the past, but with each recovery i shuddered more and more at the thought of becoming one again. and now look at me. back at square one, looking my enemy named commitment in the face. but my sense of independence is at stake and it's a threatening feeling. between independence and relationships, is there ever really a compromise? more importantly, am i capable of learning this compromise because there HAS to be one. i can't be programmed to be this way forever.

i feel like a stubborn little kid, with my arms crossed and a pout on my face, tongue-in-cheek. it's juvenile, really. but the mere thought of him makes me smile, and the ice cracks. rolling my eyes and shaking my head in defeat, i know he got to me. congratulations mister.

still, i don't know if i'm ready. i want to be though. i really do. i know i shouldn't doubt things so quickly. ughhh it's gonna be a battle. i need you to bless me with your patience. please?

for my personal archives:
vague thoughts (3:46:58 AM): i dont know if i'm cut out for the emotional roller coaster of a relationship. i'm way too controlling of myself to handle all this
vague thoughts (3:47:39 AM): i swear i need to blaze to slow down my mind. i dont like worrying about things i never worried about. my life was fabulous before a relationship and he's great but it's like my equilibrium is messed up
XXXXXXX XXXXX (3:49:58 AM): i think your jus scared, cause in being in a relationship you give the power to hurt you and you don't know if your ready to be able to give anyone that power
vague thoughts (3:50:18 AM): you're right. i'm not gonna deny that. but i question why would anyone give someone else the power to hurt them?
XXXXXXX XXXXX (3:50:48 AM): but remember the bigger the risk bigger the reward
vague thoughts (3:50:48 AM): sometimes i really just plain dont get it
XXXXXXX XXXXX(3:51:36 AM): sometimes we're not meant to get it. if we understand it all life would be kinda boring

if there's one thing i despise more than commitment it's the state of being BORING.



post script one: i shouldn't be allowed to stay up past midnight. as it is, my mind is constantly churning and at this time of night it just goes nuts. deep breath deep breath. i think i need to toke.

post script two: on another, much lighter, note: can somebody PUH-LEASE get me away from ticketmaster before my bank account throws a fit? i'm straight up a live entertainment junkie. it's fabulous!