deja vu.

similar feelings, circa April 2003.

"So surprise, surprise, yet another month has passed and i am once again having problems with the "significant" other. My relationship life is pathetically turning into what i call the monthly burnout. I've established a pattern where usually a month after the start of a relationship i either get tired of them, they get tired of me, or problems arise and were both just mutually fed up with each other."

what to do what to do? do i give up too easily or do i just instinctually feel when its not really worth it to try anymore? shit. i noticed i say/write for a period trying to convince myself of what i should feel/think. but its inevitable that truth wins. whats true now may not be true later though. i want the change of heart. it's NOT him. if i thought with my mind this would be cake and i'd still be giddy and hopeful, but my heart is much stronger than my head.

furthermore, i just realized i'm not afraid of pain. i'll welcome it as long as what i feel consumes all of me and the pain is a direct result of passion. thats what i want. passion. if i'm not afraid of getting hurt, then WHAT IS IT? i wish i could figure myself out.

this could all change. i'm praying it does. but i don't know. i just don't know.